All posts by dymphnadreaming

I am an aspiring writer and artist with a distracting passion for Japanese comics and BBC's Sherlock; that and fashion.

A Beginning in the End pt. 22

Logan                                                                                                                  2020/1/16

There is another human being downstairs. It is the one thing that I have not dared to hope for. I did not even think it was possible that even if there was another survivor that I could find them in this giant world. The chances were so low that I had not dared to hope that I would ever find someone.

Her name is Arabella and I must say I am impressed. She does not look like much at first but she has survived this long which speaks volumes about the kind of person she is. She is beat up from years of hard living but she is still quite beautiful. She must be resourceful and talented as well to have lived this long.

I cannot remember the last time I felt so peacefully content as I do right now. I actually feel a bit of happiness. Just to hear another voice is such an amazing thing that I am nearly in a state of shock.

And yet despite how God has decided to bless me today I am on edge about this place after the story that Arabella told me today. Something is missing from the story and it makes me slightly nervous. I am determined not to worry about it tonight. I’m going to take this night to rest and have a bit more peace before I work to solve this mystery.

I am simply happy to have another human being in near proximity once more. I do not know if it will last but I am going to rest in it while I can. I do not have to talk to the air for a short time and that is all I could ask for. I am not alone.


Arabella made breakfast this morning. I woke up to food spread out on a kitchen table and a cheerful, albeit slightly nervous, face there to greet me. I can not help but feel that I do not deserve this little bit of happiness in my life, not after what I have done.

“Good morning,” I managed to greet the girl. I spoke first again as I had yesterday. Arabella seemed a bit uncertain and wary still and I do not blame her in the least.

“Good morning,” she returned in a guarded voice. It is oddly satisfying in my opinion that she does not seem to completely trust me yet. She would be an idiot to do so. And yet, by the end of breakfast we were chatting amiably as though we were old friends.

We seem to automatically trust each other on some level. I believe it is because we would not want to do anything else. As possibly the only to humans left alive we both assume that the other is not going to pull any underhanded tricks. Neither of us wants to be alone, that certain, and we both know it.

I have taken quite a liking to this girl. I have just met her and already I trust her with my whole soul. I can tell that she is kind, gentle, and as innocent as one can be in this world. I want to get to know her and providing that we both survive I feel sure that I will.

I feel a strange desire to tell her all about myself but first I will look into that troublesome town barricade. Something is odd here and I am determined to find out what it is. I sense that is is important though I cannot as yet say why .





A Beginning in the End pt. 21

Arabella                                                                                                               2020/1/6

I was so shook up last night that I couldn’t write about what happened yesterday until now. I still do not know if it was not my mind playing cruel tricks on me. All reason tells me that there cannot be another living human here. It has to be my sick mind messing with me, it has to be.

But then again, what if it is not? What if he is really here in this town with me? I feel like a coward and an idiot for running away yesterday but I couldn’t help it. An all consuming fear overcame me when I laid eyes on him, a terror derived from the possibility that he was not actually there, a potential truth I was not willing to face. I don’t think either my mind or I will be able to survive the disappointment if he is nothing more than an illusion. I will break.

Never-the-less I cannot leave matters as they stand. Despite the fear I must go back downtown and try to find him. It is all or nothing now and I just pray that for once it is not all in my head.


Just as I said I would, I went back to the main street, took a seat on one of the benches still intact, and waited. I sat there for several hours, time dragging as the sun leisurely sailed across the sky. My fear increased with every changing shadow and as afternoon descended it slowly took my hope with it.

I remember rising from the bench, the tears pricking at the corner of my eyes and a sense of utter betrayal and despair encroaching on me when something moved in my peripheral vision farther down the street. I almost didn’t dare to turn, I didn’t want to know. I took my time, my heart racing on the precarious cliff between ecstasy and despair.

The world stopped. A short way down the street stood the man, young and tall with messy, jet black hair. Dark eyes watched me, set in a face defined by a harsh world. That same world had dictated the svelte build of his body, muscular but lean.

I froze, unable to move as the figure approached me, afraid that if I so much as breathed he would vanish. Those dark eyes locked onto mine. I quelled the urge to run again but only with great difficulty. It seems ridiculous but it took everything I had to remain where I stood. My entire body began to tremble at the possible presence of another human being. I hadn’t seen or heard from another creature like me in so long that, contrary to all expectations, I was honestly afraid.

Ye,t even in my fear, I saw as he stopped in front of me that he was a truly handsome man, rugged from living in this harsh world but none the less he had natural good looks that had managed to survive their fair share of circumstantial cruelty. He wore what appeared to be military clothing, not too old judging by their condition. Some of his hair was pulled back in a short ponytail that left the rest to messily frame his face.

His eyes were penetrating and thoughtful, trying to infiltrate my mind although I am sure identical thoughts were rushing through our minds. Both of us were attempting to discern if what was before our eyes could possibly be more than a broken psyche.

Disbelief and curiosity were apparent in his every aspect. I could barely breathe under his intense gaze and yet almost without thinking I reached out and brushed my fingertips against his cheek. His skin was cool under my touch. I felt him shudder, almost start at the contact. I couldn’t help but nearly start as well . In that moment we both realized that we were either hopelessly insane or the other person actually existed. More than anything, more than being truly convinced by our senses, I think we both chose the only option we could, that reality was what we saw and felt.

I withdrew my hand and opened my mouth so speak but no sound emerged. My voice had died in my throat. In the end it was he who spoke first, revealing a deep, baritone voice.

“My name is Logan,” he said, his voice strained and odd from a period time of disuse, “what is yours?”

It took me a several tries to bring my own voice into the air. “My name is Arabella,” I finally half stammered.

Another moment of silence passed between us before he said, “I can’t believe I’ve found another living human being.”

“Me either,” I said, the excitement of finally speaking to another person breaking through the relative shock of the situation. My heart began to race as it dawned on me that I was no longer completely alone. I was not the last human alive, this man called Logan survived with me.

“Is it just you?” he asked, momentarily diverting his eyes from mine to glance around.

I nodded in solemn regret. “It’s just you and me,” I said. “I’ve been on my own for months now.”

“Me too,” a melancholy frown moved bent his mouth. “I was afraid that I was the last man alive. I had begun to suspect that I was doomed to wander this broken land alone until I die.”

“I have been feeling the same,” I replied as a smile crept onto my lips for the first time in a longer span than I cared to calculate. “What are you doing here? Can you not find a safe place to stay either?”

He shook his dark head, “I’ve been wandering since the world fell. This is the safest place I’ve found since the last military stronghold was decimated.”

I was right to conjecture that he’d had dealings with the former military. “This is the safest place I’ve ever been,” I said, sitting down on the bench once more and motioning for him to sit beside me. “These people had a plan and I have a feeling we can be safe here, at least for a little while.”

He sat down beside me and turned his gaze up to the clear sky. “Do you know what happened to them?” he asked, giving me a curious glance.

“I found a journal telling the story,” I answered and proceeded to give him my condensed version of the tragic tale.

“interesting,” he muttered to himself. “This barricade isn’t anything remarkable although it is well constructed. I wonder what really kept them out?”

“What do you mean?” I asked sensing that Logan was a man of vast knowledge where defense and combat against the monsters was concerned. Anyone who had survived so long  had inevitably been through a good deal and had to possess a great wealth of knowledge through sheer experience alone. I know I do.

He continued lost in thought for another long moment before answering, “Granted these people had forethought but with enough time and numbers those things could have gotten through. Yet they don’t even seem to have attacked which is what confuses me. I’m going to take another look.” He leaped up from the bench and sprinted for the barricade. I followed, my curiosity roused and I refused to lose sight of him.

He leapt up the barricade and peered over the other side. “As I thought,” he said after dropping back down, “there is no sign of assault of any kind on the barricade. What kept them out if not that?”

“I don’t know,” I answered unhelpfully, trying to follow his train of thought.

“They didn’t want in,” he remarked, striding away from the barricade and back towards the center of town. “They didn’t actually have any interest in entering in the first place. I wonder why?”

“Is it important,” I asked.

“It might be,” he shrugged, “but for now I think the question can wait. I would much rather spend time with another intelligent creature than try to solve riddles.”

I smiled for only the second time in months. We went back to the house I had taken up residence in and had something to eat. We just talked, loving the sound of each others’ voices and the exchange of rational thought. As night fell we decided that we didn’t want to separate so he took the upstairs bedroom.

I’m writing this before going to sleep happier than I have been in such a long time. This is as close to peace as I think I can get in this life. I am not alone anymore.




A Beginning in the End pt. 20

Arabella                                                                                                            2020/1/15

I decided I needed to do something today. I can’t just do nothing all of the time. I can’t become complacent or I will inevitably die though it may take longer here than out there. The thing is that I’m not really sure what to do.

I have the feeling that I am here for a reason, that I have to stay here until I figure out what that is. I feel as if I have landed in a sort of strange stasis. I am in a bubble here, a surreal sphere containing me in illusionary safety.

I wandered out into the town today, savoring the air and sunshine. The dead moaned outside but I couldn’t hear them within the barricaded town. The smell of rotting flesh has mostly cleared from my senses. I don’t think the smell will ever vanish entirely because of how rooted in memory it is but – hold on. I see something across the square. What in the world?!

Logan                                                                                                                2020/1/15

I can’t believe it. It can’t be, not after everything that’s happened to me and the long years of near hopelessness. I saw something today that I can’t believe no matter how much I want it to be real.

I moved out into the town today, exploring the strange and surreal environment. As I entered the square I saw something that at first I assumed was just my tired imagination and wishful thinking. There appeared to be a young woman standing on the other side. She didn’t notice me at first and I found myself helplessly staring in disbelief.

She had sun-bleached blond hair, was about average height and her build was all lean muscle. Her clothes were bedraggled but appeared clean and her overall appearance was well kept considering the world she was forced to inhabit.

I just stared not believing that I could actually be looking at another living human being. She didn’t notice me at first. She seemed lost in her thoughts, staring at the silent town surrounding us both.

In a moment she caught sight of me. Her eyes grew wider than I had ever seen a person’s go. She just stared at me for one long instant, her eyes startled and afraid. Suddenly she turned and ran, fleeing back into the town. I instinctively took off after her but she was too fast for me and I lost her in the maze of residential homes and streets.

I went back to my house feeling like I was, and still am, in a dream. I wonder if I actually saw her or if maybe I am finally losing it completely. I want to go search for her but I am held back by the fear that she is not real. I feel as though I won’t be able to go on if I find out that she isn’t anything more than a figment of my imagination.

Tomorrow I’ll go back to the square in the hopes of seeing her again. For now I do not have the courage to know if what I saw was the truth or my crazed psyche.




Diana had disappeared when Rose was eleven, vanished out of the blue never to be seen by her family again. Rose remembered that day with more clarity than anything else in her life. She remembered waking up and finding Diana’s bed empty. There had been nothing particularly odd about that but the feeling that washed over her, the sense of dread and impossible sorrow was like nothing she had ever known before. Somehow she had known that Diana was gone before there was evidence of anything more than an early morning for her sister.
She had crept downstairs, hoping to find her sister in front of the T.V or searching for something to eat. The sun was just below the horizon, waiting to peek over the far hills. It was the murk before the dawn, the darkness ever so slightly beginning to lose its pitch black nature. Never-the-less she could only see shapes as she tiptoed down the stairs, instinct and habit commanding that she refrain from waking her parents.
Anxiety contracted her heart, making it race as the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach grew at an alarming rate. Every step took her deeper into the well of foreboding that had started in her own bed at the cusp of waking. Her limbs began to tremble and she wanted to cry as she stepped off the last stair and faced the empty dark hallway. Pitch black darkness reached searching fingers through the cracked doors, threatening to grab her and pull her into oblivion.
Rose stayed in the middle of the hall, treading silently on the thick rug that stretched down the floor like the tongue of some hunting monster just waiting for the right moment to swallow its helpless prey. The air was laden, an atmosphere of tragedy pressing in upon the little girl as she crept through the near darkness.
Her eyes were wide in anticipatory fear, bright little orbs straining for any sign of her beloved sister. She remembered in acute clarity years later the utter terror that gripped her heart as she neared the kitchen, the foyer, and the front door. She did not know why but she was drawn to the door, knowing that she would find something wrong, something that had to do with Diana. Diana. Her lip trembled as a fresh wave of that absolute sorrow swept over her.
The doors on either side seemed to lead into a black nothingness, the rooms that she had once known no longer existing there. Complete silence reigned, deafening, pressing in on her ears with the heavy weight of deep water. She felt as though she was both suffocating and drowning simultaneously, her little lungs barely able to draw breath. Her tiny pink lips parted as she forced herself to take the most even breaths possible.
The kitchen was a strange landscape, cold hard floors, gleaming counters scrubbed spotless and the unnervingly silent refrigerator. The entire house was engulfed in a hungry, heavy silence that was not the absence of sound but the death of it. The silence consumed every last noise, neutralizing it, strangling the life from it before the first breath of a scream could be birthed.
Rose crept across the kitchen, her heart racing, feeling that something monstrous was going to emerge from every cupboard. The house was waiting, holding its breath. Rose was the only thing that moved, even the pulse of the house having ceased. She was the only thing that dared to break from the mold of motionlessness despite the fear of whatever waited near the door.
She crept into the living room, feeling as if she were walking into the belly of the monster. The air pressed down heavier than ever and she recognized it with her child’s mind as the presence of indescribable evil. It forced itself down her throat and into her lungs so that she could only take weak, shallow breaths. All she wanted to do was run, to either curl up in a defensive ball and ignore everything or run for her father but she could do neither. She felt pulled towards the front door, compelled to go see what waited for her there.
Not only that but her love for Diana drove her on, one frightened child to face the unknown in the dark. Her bare feet shuffled across the carpeted floor, crying out as they stepped onto the cold tile of the foyer. It sent chills up her spine and her entire body shuddered. If it was possible the silence seemed even more complete as she crept around the corner. She knew that whatever had invaded her home and disturbed her sister was waiting in the doorway for her. It wanted her to see it, it wanted her to remember the horror of it until the day she died.
Tears gathered in the girl’s eyes, threatening to spill down her cheeks as the fear engulfed her mind and body. She barely held herself back from crying but even that was only by virtue of the all consuming fear that wracked her soul. Her limbs were cold and her heart raced with all the speed it could muster. She felt faint but she had to turn that corner, Diana was there she was sure and in trouble. How she knew such a thing she could never have said but it was as obvious to her as the sky was to anyone else.
Facing a fear that most people could never dream of, she stretched out her small foot and inched her body along the wall. It was waiting for her, staring in her direction through the darkness. She could feel the vile stare, the horrid eyes of some unknown evil watching her, waiting. If only it wasn’t expecting and waiting she could have practically sprung around the corner but it was watching and in some ways that was the worst part.
Breathing was nearly impossible as she slipped her hand around the corner of the wall. She felt the thing growing impatient and she knew she had to force herself into the open, stand and face the thing that waited. Choking back a sob she stepped out into the open, revealing herself to the monstrosity standing in the doorway.
Not even in the depths of her worst nightmares had her overactive imagination conceived of something so absolutely horrifying. She felt sick as her eyes met those of the abomination waiting on the threshold of her home. Her stomach heaved but somehow she managed to force the sickness back, unable to take her eyes from the thing.
Her vision spun, the monstrosity grinning the most disgusting mockery of a smile that she was sure had ever been formed. It was an emaciated creature, vaguely humanoid, with over long limbs standing about nine feet tall. It was hunched over at the time but Rose could tell that it was a giant in height. It was gaunt, the skin stretched tight over the bones. There was no hair on its head and it seemed to be missing its nose entirely. There were merely two holes in its head that sat above a freakishly large mouth. As it grinned the mouth literally reached from ear to hear, revealing large sharp teeth. Yet it wasn’t even the horrific smile that was the most terrifying thing about the monster; it was the eyes that shot her veins full of terror. They were enormous and round, luminous in the dark with giant pupils, bloodshot and piercing. They watched her with such a deep, gleeful malice that Rose was sure it must have learned from the devil himself how to hate.
She nearly fainted as she looked into those eyes. The fact that its fingers were nearly claws, the translucent quality of its skin, and the lack of ears only registered in her subconscious to be remembered in painful detail later on. Those eyes and what it held in its arms commandeered all of her attention the moment after her eyes first landed on the creature.
The thing was holding Diana, suspending her in one long thin arm. It held her against its skeletal body that was clothed in the remains of a ragged suit long out of fashion. The girl was completely unconscious from fear just as Rose nearly had been moments ago. It all passed when she saw her elder sister held in the arm of some completely vile abomination.
Anger boiled deep down within her, shunting some of her fear back and letting a minute bit of courage to pass through. It rose up inside her more like a butterfly, the delicate creature that dares to emerge from its cocoon despite how easily it can be crushed, than a lion or even a dog. She felt it flutter up into her heart, her back straightening and her eyes narrowing towards the monster.
Its grin widened and it seemed to find her tiny display of bravery amusing. Rose scowled at the thing although she was still trembling uncontrollably and she wanted to call for her parents. She knew it would do no good even if she could force her voice out; the thing would vanish before her parents could get there. It did not mean to be seen by them, only by her. It wanted her to know it had taken her sister.
Rose glared into its eyes as it hoisted Diana into a better grip and without a sound turned and stepped into the darkness outside. The sun would come up in just a few minutes and Rose sensed that it could not roam in the light of day. It was a creature of the night and it had taken her sister. Her hands clenched into fierce little fists as the utter helplessness and desolation washed over her in a succession of increasingly violent waves.
She collapsed to her knees on the floor, the physical pain nothing in comparison to the agony in her child’s heart. She was too overcome by fear and sorrow to even cry. She collapsed on her side and passed out.


Hi! This is the first few pages, the prologue sort of, to a new story I’m working on. I have been reading some brilliant short horror stories online and was inspired to attempt writing short horror fiction of my own only it didn’t work, my characters developed and it couldn’t remain within a few pages. 🙂 Feel free to comment and tell me what you think.


A Beginning in the End pt.19

Arabella                                                                                   2020/1/13

I did nothing today. For once I found myself with the opportunity to do absolutely nothing whatsoever. I lay abed until almost noon, dozing on and off in the sunlight. I had so many dreams in those hours. Mostly they were about finding a companion. I feel the loneliness more poignantly than ever these days.

My heart aches and my soul yearns for another human heart to connect with. My ears seem to be failing from lack of use and part of me wonders if I would even recognize another human voice were I to hear one. I can barely remember what a human voice sounds like. My memory is fading.

I’m not sure I could believe another person was real even if I did meet one. What would I say, would it be an illusion, a hallucination? How could I even begin to accept that another human was real?

Logan                                                                                          2020/1/14

I found something today, something odd and yet very exciting. I’ve never seen anything like it before, a town silent and still fully barricaded. No sound comes from within and there are very few monsters about. The barricade appears unbroken but I won’t attempt to breach it tonight. I’ll wait until the morning with the dawn to see what is behind those abandoned defenses.

I feel that something is coming, that something is about to happen but I don’t know what exactly. All I know is that my whole body is tingling in anticipation of an unknown event. Something is going to happen though whether good or bad I can only wait and find out.

I found this outlying farmhouse and slew the monsters within. There are still some provisions here, enough to tide me over for a short time. That town intrigues me and it looks like the most likely place for peace that I have seen since the world fell to pieces. I feel drawn there as I haven’t been drawn to a place in years. For the first time in ages I look forward to tomorrow.


The barricade is unbroken as I suspected. I scaled it and found myself looking out on an empty town. It looked untouched by the dead, almost as perfect as the day when the world fell. Nothing was broken and aside from weather wear and the pile of burned ashes in the square it looks preserved.

I knew before I even dropped into the street that there are no dead in this place. It is empty of the monsters but there is no sign of violence. No blood spatters the houses and no bodies lie in the street. There is a peace about this place, a strange piece. The moans can’t be heard in here and the smell is almost entirely absent. It is quiet and almost like a piece of the world broken off from the rest of the universe and held apart.

I found a house here to stay in for the night. The place has been stocked for at least several years. They obviously planned to hold out for as long as possible. I wonder what happened to them in the end? It appears that the people here were very well prepared. I want to know what happened that they are no longer here.

I’ll explore the town tomorrow but for now I feel safer here than I have felt in years. The barricade is strong, having held up for many years and the monsters appear to have lost interest. They apparently haven’t noticed my arrival. I feel oddly relieved and without my permission my guard has begun to fall.

None-the-less I forced myself to lock the doors and windows. I have taken all the necessary precautions and now I am going to sleep. I actually feel as though I can sleep tonight. My mind has not settled but it has stopped running. I am suddenly so very tired. I can barely keep my eyes open.

I feel much more peaceful here than I have felt in years but the loneliness suddenly feels so much stronger. It pierces my heart with a pang like no other. I have never felt the loneliness this acutely before. I am safer than I have been in an excruciatingly long time and I think that makes the isolation hurt that much more.

I thought that I was immune to these feelings by now. I thought that I was past all of this but I was wrong. I miss the company of other people more than ever in this place. I’m going to sleep where I will hopefully find relief from the pain.







A Beginning in the End pt.18

Logan                                                                                                  2020/1/12

The stars were beautiful last night. I never realized how wonderful they were until just this last night looking up at them for the first time in a long time. I saw then that there is still beauty in this world despite the darkness all around me. The light has not completely gone out of this world.

A spark of hope still lives in me whether or not I would like it to be there. It hurts so much that I wonder if it is worth it but I can’t get rid of it. It burns as the tiniest spark in my soul, waiting for something to fan it into a fully blazing fire.

I’ve traveled almost a hundred miles in the last three days. I just keep walking almost like I’m running away from something. I suppose I am but I mean something other than the monsters. It feels like I’m running away from some part of myself. I don’t know what yet but there are thoughts and feelings that I don’t wish to face.

I slaughtered almost fifty of the things today for no other reason than that I felt like it. I know I was reckless but I couldn’t help myself. There is such a rage in me lately that needs to be let out. It burns on the inside and makes me feel constantly restless.

I was covered in blood and gore by the end of the day. I washed everything, me and my belongings, in a clear little stream I came across. It’s odd but even though they aren’t people anymore, doing them in still gets to me somehow.

There is guilt on my heart but I am not sure if it is about bashing in the heads of corpses or simply because I gave in to my violent urges. I suppose it might be a combination of both although I know I have nothing to feel guilty about where the monsters are concerned. They aren’t human anymore.

I have established myself in a little roadside gas station for the night. It is not the most enviable place but for a man like me it does just fine. Most of the supplies here were taken in the initial panic and most of the stuff left has gone bad.

This place is another scene left in perfect condition to remind me of those days. I remember the congested highways and rampages of human feet all too well. Everyone was desperate to just reach someplace empty and far away from the big cities. They were desperate for a place to feel safe, a refuge or a haven.

I watched it all happen but I never felt part of it. I was different, I still am, a man watching from the outside. I was really just a boy back then but what does that matter?

I killed so many of those creatures that first couple of years. Most of the world’s population had changed sides so there were only too many of them. I couldn’t go anywhere without being forced do away with an uncountable number of the disgusting abominations. Those days are red with blood, anger, and fear in my memory. They are a blur for the most part. I can hardly remember what really happened back then.

Often times I dream in red. Tonight I do not want to go to sleep again. I don’t want to be locked away in my broken dreams. I don’t want to be trapped in the darkness and horror of my own memories anymore. If there was just one other person out there to talk to, to express my fears to another soul. I am so alone.




A Beginning in the End pt.17

Excerpts continued


Twelve people are dead now and more are dying. They aren’t going to the hospital because there is nothing the doctors can do. They still do not know what the illness is that plagues us.

I’m staying in my house and the living dead are remaining outside the gates. I just wish the moaning would stop.


It’s started. The boy down the street came back to “life” this morning. I don’t know how, nobody does, just that it is happening. There is talk that it was Oscar, that he had it and passed it on. The fact is that nobody knows how or why people are coming back from the dead.

I suspect we will all turn when we die no matter how we go. I don’t know how but I think we all have the plague although it doesn’t manifest until we die.

We are all done for. I know it is only a matter of time. They are going to burn the bodies in the middle of the square before the courthouse. I can smell the fire now and soon the stench of burning flesh will fill the air. I can’t take it anymore!


I am all that is left now. Everyone else is dead, burning to ashes in the square. I will be dead too soon but I don’t want to be one of those things beyond the barricade.

I feel myself growing weak. I have already caught the sickness to which everyone else fell. I can’t let myself become a danger to others. Someone may wish to use this town as a refuge one day. If I am a corpse here it will put them in danger. As I am dying I shall put myself on the fire as well, fall into it as I take my last breath and join my friends in an ashy grave.


I know what happened here now. What a horrible way to find out that the plague is in all of us.

I don’t know who actually wrote that diary, there is no name in the book. Whoever they were I wish I could have met them. It is only because of what they did that I have found shelter here for a short while. It is truly a God send on so many levels though I only wish that the writer of the journal was still alive and here to tell me the story him or herself. I am so very alone.